How can I plan a feminist wedding?
and is it anti-feminist to get married?
Since a decade approximately (2012) we are seeing a new wave of Feminism and for most feminist men and women, Intersectional feminism is the only real way to actively live feminism, via all female empowerment; respecting women choices, whatever the choice is, because respect women decisions (even they are not the same I would have taken) is feminism. This new understanding on the women luchas, and the new feminism wave we are experiencing right now, shows the evolution we have had, and it is also liberating and exhilarating.
Marriage especially in the west has historically been known for being oppressive with laws being against women etc.
I know many of you will find this ridiculous, but when you learn about the many truths about marriage and marriage history, you begin to see things differently.
The idea of perduring love isn’t not feminist of course, and for some modern feminists, marriage is also unique way to celebrate and their express love to their partner.
The antique notions of marriage have changed, and what we love doing the most is create the wonderfully unique ceremonies we do along with celebrants who do their Job with intention and purpose, legal ceremonies are still obviously very important to a big part of the population, but one does not have to be without the other, having a ceremony that represents true love and the couple uniqueness is remembered in our hearts. The ceremony scripts, speeches, rituals, vows, allow the couple to reiterate and confirm why they decided to get married in the first place, because they love each other.
So, after all, what is love?
One of the questions we fail to answer because we cannot comprehend it as a unique concept, is what is love? Philosophers, believers, psychists, even physicist with love after-life, biologists, writers and common people just like us, have given definitions of what love is, for them, for us, or trying to get the closest to the real feeling that is love.
A lot of people today think that love and marriage aren´t correlated, still a big part of the population, people of all genders want to get married because they feel deep connection with their partner, and they believe the highest demonstration of love is the formal union that will be shared with their closest relatives and friends.
Marriage can be found as the best way to seal their love. When you hear, marriage is a prison, it can be, if you are married to someone who makes your life miserable, and if divorce is impossible or seen as impossible. But when you are married to someone who makes your life better and where you are still your own person, marriage can also be freeing. Let´s see why, beginning by the different kind of love we know:
Following the Greeks, we have different kind of love, and (I will make an article about love only) the Greeks way before our era, already had defined different 4 principal kind of loves and 7 kind of loves in total.
Philia is one that is called affectionate love and would be representing friendships, it is platonic, and caring and encouraging and generous. Like encouraging your best friend to take care of her, accompany her when going through, a breakup and be genuinely happy for her when she has obtained that promotion at work.
Eros is the romantic love including desire, it would not be considered desire only because it is sexual attraction but also include love and romance. It happens when you are attracted to someone and want to feel their love so much, you desire them completely.
Storge is what we call the unconditional love, familial love, it is the kind of love you have as a parent for your child. It Is more one-sided, like a mother to her daughter or son, even if love is not reciprocated. It is love that does not depend on the other acts of love or kindness towards you.
Agape love is the universal love we can have for the universe, animals, G-d and it is a genuine love without interest and can be represented as altruism, spirituality, kindness to a stranger is considered Agape love.
Ludus is known as the playful love, the kind of love we use when we flirt with someone, the phase of love when for instance you have a crush on someone and you act on it.
Pragma, the lasting and enduring kind of love, it is built on endurance, respect, companionship and can be represented by long lasting marriage and friendships. It is the type of love that is accepting, evolving, patient and mature.
Philautia is self-love, which the ancient Greeks saw as a healthy, necessary love of one’s self that made it possible to give and receive love from other people. Without philautia we encounter difficulty to give or receive love from the other and that is why it is so important to love oneself first. For another article, people with CPTSD have a lot of difficulties with philautia, but it is not impossible to reach.
A marriage that works have all those kinds of love involved, even Ludus? Yes, even Ludus, not all the time, but at times. You can see old couples being playful together after 50 years of marriage. Your spouse might be the only person you show all those kinds of love. That is why marriage can also be freeing, if you find the right person, you can show all those kind of loves in one long lasting relationship. So, you feel this is real, true love and you want to share it with the world. How to incorporate your feminist vision into the wedding day if you feel you want to take that step forward in your relationship and get married ?
A feminist proposal?
Women can also propose to their partner and you can also both want to experience the proposal. Have a proposal that means more to you both, not just ask, but create something you´ll remember forever. Maybe have designed engagement rings with a meaning, propose with something else than an engagement ring
No gendered role in the bridal party? Absolutely yes!
Your best friend is a man, wow, it´s okay, he can be your bridesman, you want to include your children also okay.
Giving away and walking down the aisle
The idea of your father giving you away does not resonate with you and your modern values, you can decide on different way to walk down the aisle, as a couple, with both your parents, with your mom or with a step-parent, a grand-parent... Choose someone special to walk you by the aisle.
Or walk in alone No one owns you. No one is giving you away. And remember you can also don´t walk in at all, if you don´t like being the centre of all the attention.
Wedding dress or wedding tuxedos
A coloured wedding dress, a white tuxedo, wear a dress or a tuxedo your feel good and happy in, a wedding attire that expresses who you are. The white wedding dress used to represent virginity and purity, makes you feel uncomfortable thinking about it, I know right? Choose what is right for you, and if it is still white, go with it. “Feminism means I am free to represent myself however which way I see fit”.
A 50/50 wedding planning and wedding budget
Share with your partner the wedding planning tasks and the wedding budget. Historically, the bride´s family paid for the wedding, it derived from the notion of a dowry. Women weren't allowed to live on their own, or own property, an unmarried daughter was a considerable burden, especially on families living at or near the subsistence level. The dowry still exists in many parts of the world. Choosing to pay your wedding yourselves and divide 50/50 is a feminist decision.
Get ready together or have a first look
For example, that is not something I personally would do but I know couples who would have enjoyed or have enjoyed getting ready together, and have a moment together before you both say “I do” can be beautiful. Or follow the Jewish tradition and have a moment after the ceremony too.
Choose your guests seating at the ceremony
What about just letting everyone sit together? It is simpler and easier and it promotes the idea of one united family. By extension, you could also apply a similar idea to the seating at the wedding reception.
Throw away traditions that you disapprove of
Ask the father permission, garter toss, the tossing of the bouquet etc. Bouquet toss started in England when unmarried women would try to rip off pieces of the brides’ dress or flowers to try and gain some of her good luck in hopes to become the next to get married. To prevent a wedding dress rampage, the bride would throw her bouquet into the crowd and run! You choose what makes you happy, you find garter toss amusing do it! Now, if you want to throw those traditions away, do it too!
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